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The things that you say and the stuff that you do are some of the reasons why I love you.
but this papers too short and the lines are too close to express to you how big a part you play in my life. You worry just a little bit but that's just fine by me, because i'm you're swushy, bubby and baby.
You're a good random like a box a skittles, tasty like a handful of reeses pieces and AMAZING like a mouthful of gobstoppers, so I think you'll see you're growing on me and I hope I'm growing on you too. I know...I REALLY LOVE you.

Getting ready to go back to school.
Couldn't be more excited.

Open house for IADT saturday, excited about that too.

always looking on the bright side of things now.

in need of an adventure,
where art thou vallee? :)

Jul. 22nd, 2009

Work at eleven.
hope it doesn't last forever.
supposed to get some money, going towards warped.

I want an actual job... help ?
"that school is for retards"
Crying, feeling lost and hopeless is the worst feeling ever.
I don't want to see your face, go in the other room.
Went in the other room, and decided to escape by the backdoor.
knew where I was walking about didn't at the same time.

Things will work out though, even if I have to do them on my own.
thank you grandma for this...
"be glad that you know what you want to do. always have hope, go for it."
Made me feel like I had a little support atleast.

Left a note card telling you all the things I love about us,
with a cute little picture on the back.

"Did you ever read that note?"
"yeah I did today, it was real cute. A lot of writing. Whoever that boy is you were writing about must be special."
"well, yeah he's pretty special."
"He said to tell you he feels the same way."

You give me hope, postive feelings and so much more that I can't explain.
Love is stupid love is dumb and I'm loving it.

Work tommorrow at eleven.
not sure what else.

Vallee is home.
we must explore.
love you love.
It's so aggrivating how my father thinks he knows absolutley everything about everything.
of course I was looking at going to IADT for art and he's like what did they promise you a degree and help you find a job. What the hell? and Apparently he thinks I'm moving to maine with him when I graduate? I fucking hate how he thinks I'm going to be with him forever and ever. If I want to do anything with art, he won't support me or help with pay. I have no idea how I'm going to go to school after I graduate.

Help? Somebody reassure me I'll make it through, live my life.
Be able to support myself. I cannot even tell my parents what my plans or goals are,
or what I'd like to do after highschool, cos if it's not what they want it's wrong.

I feel like I want to do so much but won't be able to cos I'll have no support.
How will I get enough money to go to school ? Fuck.

But on the plus side, I realized that I could graduate early maybe, So I'm going to try and do that.

beach yesterday was nice, playing in the current waves.
I'm going to miss Shaye a lot when she moves to chicago.
"We're going to show chicago what a real party is." <3

Went to Cresent lake with Jon, Nikk and Cooley to work out,
I worked out a little bit haha but nothing too much.

"if we ever got in an argument, I could make it end so easily haha."
"I can't really imagine us getting into an argument, but you're probably right."

"he told me you weren't a good person to try and date."
"Well that's probably cos he knows me as Nikk that partys and fucks girls at partys."
"Oh, that's what you usually do..."
"Well that's how I was ha."
"Why aren't you with that with me then ?"
"There must be something about you."

Hearing those words gives me hope.
head over heels.
loving you.

decided to not get phone turned on, and use money to buy a warped ticket, hopefully.
I've gone a year and some time without a phone,
i can go another week or so.

I'm a little bit in love with you.

Work was niiiice, lots of organizing and unpacking and what not.
I guess that I'm going to 'the tower' with everybody haha.
"If you jump off the tower, I'll give you a well deserved high five, and really good sex later on."

60ft. we'll see what happens.
I'd rather not die today.

can't wait for tommorrow,
kaylyns birthday/ my going away party at ze beach.
it should be nice.

Jul. 8th, 2009

bagels are an amazing breakfast.
half hour till' work, eh.
Losing track of days.
Tuesday, work tommorrow.
Alright, I'm set.

Supposed to be going to alabama early sunday morning.
Excited, nervous and unsure. But I'm going anyways.

Boring day at work yesterday.
but it wasn't bad. just glad to have one.
very tiring though I've noticed.

I wish I wouldn't be scared of you getting tired of me,
atleast I tell you how I feel or am thinking.
"You complete me."

Went to the park late last night.
I meant to go home at one but it seems we always get lost with eachother while we're laying there.
Talking about when we were little and how our lives were so different, and how we never even imagined being where we are today.

"Life goes by real fast, so don't focus on negative things."

Finally I got that off my mind, and now it's at ease.
Was scared but now , I'm not so worried about it.
We'll figure something out, we've got time.

Was hoping mum was asleep when I got home, but she opened the door and thought she was going to murder me. I cried, cos she was pissed that I didn't get home untill around five thirty in the morning. So I asked if we could talk. I told her I wanted her to trust me and got a lot of stuff out that should have been said a long time ago, but it's better late then never. So Finally went to sleep around seven and woke up at two.

work tommorrrowwww.
First actuall work day was nice.
Cept for the 40yr old guy that works there,
who hung out with my ex who had to say
"I told him, doesn't count less you get it on film."
What the hell.

Fourth of july was nice.
Went to Jeffs with Nikk, Richard, Janette, Shaye, Tyler, Ty, and Jon, Jenn. I don't think I'm missing anybody....haha so much dancing. We broke out thriller, and just about every other micheal jackson song.
Little dance circle, haha very nice. Nice fire works, cute little jello shots.
some of us headed over to 'beer pong johns'
and of course afterwards went on our late night taco bell run.
Oh how I love drunken quotes we'll always remember.

I also love how when we sleep next to eachother,
we'll wake up at the same time,
talk about our dreams,
and then fall asleep again.

Maybe do something later on tonight.
i need to workkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkout.
wednesday was supposed to go to work, got there and was told I wasn't needed for the day.
Nikk picked me up and we stopped by dairy queen for a brownie blizzard and it was amazing.
Then we picked up Allen and went to davids house. David was sleeping and we went into Davids room
and there Marti sleeping haha They woke up and since it was rainy outside we decided to spend the day playing Mario on nintendo64 oh yeah.

Then David and I got a brilliant plan to bake a chocolate cake. (We forgot the eggs but didn't realize this untill a day later) But it was still amazing and good ( mainly cos I had been craving chocolate for a week or more.) Then we watched Fanboys haha which was pretty funny. Then around tenish Nikk and I went to Roberts so he could play b-ball with the guys even though it was soaking wet. Talked with Chyennae and her friend for a bit.

"Who's that kid?"
"which kid?"
"the one I don't know."
"The one in Black?"
"That's Nikk."

"he's your boyfriend?"

"Wait, you aren't dating whatshisname anymore?"

Ah, conversations about exs are just great aren't they ?
Not only did I barely know these girls, I was sitting on a wet bench with a white skirt on,
and did not want to talk about my ex. But it turned out to be a pretty amusing conversation.

I like how we always end our nights with just eachother. We spend all day with everybody else,
but then just go back to your house and lay in bed with eachother, watching family guy and comedy central, talking about whatevers on our minds.

It's all about the connection and communication, and oh do we have that.
I'm glad I can experience something so amazing with such an amazing person.
Afterwards I told you I loved you and you said it back and there was something in the way you said it, that moved me, it wasn't like the other times you've told me you loved me it was different, a good different, a really real kind of love.
And afterwards I love how I curl next to you, and close my eyes, asleep but awake at the same time,
and when I open them to look up at you, you were watching me the whole time. That may sound wierd or odd, but knowing you were watching me lay there instead of the television, made me feel something nice.

"You like tracing my body don't you ?"
"Yeah, I love it."

Today consisted of drawing, going to walmart buying a sketchbook and pencils and hemp and more drawing and bracelet making. It's two in the morning and I have to work today. I'm excited, I have honey nut cheerios for breakfast haha. Going to wash my face and lay down on this couch.

Jun. 30th, 2009

You've got a headache from over thinking it.
Stop overthinking it, don't wait for things to happen, go out and make them happen.
need to shower, but sleepy.
waking up at nine, work at ten probably untill two.
looking forward to starting a job and hanging out with one of the few people that make me happiest afterwards.tonight the feeling of being insecure, and none exsistent swept my body.
even though I know I am not alone, tonight I felt alone.
Being surrounded by those who, say they care, but only say it cos they're supposed to, will do that to you I'm afraid. Called him on the phone and couldn't help but feel slighty better.
I could still use a hug though, from anybody really.
well maybe not anybody, hugs always feel better from someone that makes you feel like you're cared about, imporant. as important to them as they are to you.

want to save up money.
want to move after highschool.
parents won't approve, but why should and would they start caring then ?
a little late for that don't you think ?

stand there, in the shower, let the hot water run down my face, onto my shoulders and down my spine.
washing away all the bad thoughts, putting me to sleep. oh how i long to be sleeping with you in your for some reason itchy bed, then to by lying awake with my eyelids closed on the couch.

"but i'm holding you closer than most, cos you are my heaven."

despite the things I've seen and heard, I've learned that there is no such thing as perfect,
and expecting something or someone perfect, is really expecting to be dissapointed with everything.
You're on your way, on your way from florida, away from this place you've been for a few years but not long enough. I'm not worried about the bad things that have happened, I focus only on the good, cos that's what really matters to me, and just like a lot of people, you matter to me. I'll miss you while you're gone. maybe I'll come visit. who knows, maybe this is your fresh start.

alright, really, i'm going to shower and sleep this time.

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